Pros and Cons of On-Line Dating

Newest fun fun article I wrote for The Hairpin!

Tip #327 (happiness. it's this new thing I'm trying)

If you want to be happy:

Next time you buy a new pair of shoes, buy a new pair of socks. Or if they're heels, buy a new pair of tights. You know that feeling you get the first time you lovingly take your shoes out of their box and put them on with that outfit that they were straight MADE for? Got it? Okay double that. You put on your your clean white (or striped or little martini-glassed) socks on, AND THEN your new shoes? Fresh. To. Death. Try it, tell me your toes don't tingle like what.

Big Black Dude Heard Everything You Said

(via someecards)

This is great. So, so great. Can we give the "big black dude" as an adjective a rest, already? I hear it from non-black people, all the time, talking to me and around me, in that tone that at once says, "you know what I'm talking about, right? That scary motherfucker? You know because he's black, and because he was black he was big" and "whatever, I'm just describing him for the story" without stopping to consider that, hey, most of my family members are big black dudes that are not violent and not menacing and not even that big, actually, and when you talk about "them" you talk about me and fuck you regional news, because to this day you're to blame and fuck the griots of prejudice that pass down stereotypes from generation to generation to generation until we have to write notes like this one just to make a point.

OMG WTF IS A FLAVONOID?

The best part is how they say it all casual, like you're supposed to think to yourself, "oh, totally. Flavonoids." Is this one of those food ruses, like "Natural Flavors"? My other favorite part is how they give zero context to this whatsoever, like the asterisk next to the antioxidants is really all the explanation you need. Nevermind that they don't name the antioxidants, or that we'll just assume that they're good for us because they're protective (we do).

UPDATE: I googled it so that you don't have to. I still don't really get it, but apparently it is good for diarrhea, and has nothing to do with the, um, OTHER noids. Which, truth be told, is a shame.

People I Don't Trust

(Hollywood Edition)
Publicists who wear too much make-up
Producers who talk too fast
Agents who talk to loud
Directors who talk to much
Writers who don't talk at all
Actors

(Goods and Services Edition)
Optometrists that don't wear glasses
Skinny Chefs
Cabbies that are younger than me
Flight Attendants with bad hair
Doctors that don't smoke or drink
Da Po-Lice

(Romance Edition)
Men with long fingernails that are not classical guitarists
Only Children
Heavy Winkers
Rappers, especially those that socially go by their rap names

We just learned the twitter!

And it is so delightful! Follow theMidwhere here.

How to Handle Yourself in a Club in the Hood (and elsewhere)

Because the life you save may be your motherfuckin' own-----> Check the article after the jump